Really? Pauls side

Really? We’ve lost our peace because of a car!!? … part two…

For me, it all started on a vacation to western Canada last July. I had arranged for the rental of a mustang convertible. The rental company didn’t have a Mustang, so they gave me a high-performance BMW cabriolet instead. Although 10 years old, this car is twice as powerful, twice as expensive and far better engineered than the mustang. Jane and I drove more than 3,000 kilometers in the 18 days that we had it. I loved it…I can honestly say that it was the best driving experience of my life. It gave me tremendous joy. 

Back home, 3 months later, I made a very specific search request for the same vehicle with low kilometers. 2 weeks ago, I got a response regarding a car in the next town over and immediately asked Jane to come with me to look at it. It was much better than what I requested. It had unbelievably low kilometers and looked like it had never left the original showroom. I liked it immediately, Jane, not so much. I planned to finalize the sale and pick up the car 2 days later. And Jane said no.

So began a process that took us both for a very uncomfortable ride. First came the shock that we were so far apart. A very black and white issue. Not something that we had ever come across in our relationship so far. We’ve always been able to find a middle ground that we could both be at peace with. Not this time. So, we itemized all our respective reasons for and against. We expressed our mutual desire to please others. We got nowhere. We dug in and invited each other to exaggerate and make bigger our respective positions and reasons for and against. We acknowledged that, since we are never upset for the reasons we think, this was certainly not about a car or the money. 

We discovered that underneath all our anxiety about this issue, for both of us, there was the same, old belief that what I want is not important. We were both using this situation to prove that belief about ourselves. It was here, knowing that, that I concluded and made a commitment that I would not move forward and just buy the car without our mutual agreement and approval. That should have ended it, but it didn’t.

We were both still uncomfortable with ourselves and each other. Thinking that one or the other of us had to sacrifice something important to legitimately reach a place of peace with this situation. So, not knowing what to do next, we did nothing and stayed with the discomfort, trusting that somehow, something would come along to resolve this.

It took a few days to materialize, but when it came it was simple and elegant. I could choose peace instead of this. It really came down to, what did I stand for and where did I want to live. The answer to both questions is the same, Love, Peace and Joy. When that became clear, it was done in a heartbeat. Neither of us needed to give anything up to be grateful for what we have, where we are and who we’re with. Cheers. 

We still have some work to do on those old beliefs of ours but that will unfold by itself. As for my inner child, tyrant, overly enthusiastic bundle of joy who just wants what he wants, usually right away. It’s healthy to let him play and scream and laugh and cry. Thank you. Next.