My relationship with my father was never very good or close, it felt normal to me, but in hindsight, this was not the case.
During my very first Bevrijding event on a Friday evening in Orvelte, I received a phone call from my father informing me that he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Strangely, it didn't affect me at all; I felt nothing, it was empty, and I didn't know what to say other than "that's unfortunate, Dad."
It's no surprise that this Bevrijding was all about my relationship with my father. My parents were strict in the past, and there were frequent threats: "just wait until your father gets home." And when he did, I would again face scolding or a kick in the rear for not being quick enough to get to my room. This persisted throughout my adult life, making me incredibly fearful of making mistakes in any way.
I always felt small, insignificant, and above all, very guilty. I had no self-love and always tried to please everyone. On Saturday, I underwent a beautiful process of self-love, and while experiencing 'the Cradle,' tenderness and tears came naturally; what a change!
But the biggest breakthrough came during the Sunday morning breathwork session. It was revealed to me during the breathwork that this fear of punishment was MY projection, that my father was entirely innocent and had never had anything to do with my sense of guilt. This was made very clear to me, and I could fully see, understand, and feel it. At the end of the session, Paul said that those who wanted to stay lying down could do so, while the rest could have breakfast or shower. I stayed lying down because I felt immense fatigue and relaxation. Not coincidentally, Paul then played the song "Pappa" by Stef Bos, and what happened next was ENORMOUS.
From the depths of my being, I felt a sense of warmth and love welling up until it filled my entire being. I felt so much love for my father that the tears kept flowing for about fifteen minutes. The lesson from the course, that when the blockage against love is removed, love naturally returns, surfaced and felt unbelievably true!
The bonus was that about two weeks after the Bevrijding, I was with my parents, and out of nowhere, my father asked me something he had never done before. He asked, "do you love me?" From my heart, I could tell him that I had never loved him as much as I did at that moment, and it was palpable, even to him. What a wonderful moment, one I will cherish for my entire life. Especially now, since my father passed away a few weeks ago, I am grateful that I was able to forgive him for something that never happened.
Goodbye, dear Dad, I love you.
