My greatest and longest addiction
For me it began in the summer of 1994 in Vancouver BC Canada. I attended my first weekend workshop that was a practical application of A Course in Miracles, facilitated by Sandy Levy and produced by Dwayne O'Kane. It was called Choosing Freedom.
I thought that I had already done a fair amount of self-development and spiritual growth, having been interested in participating in both since I was 12. During that weekend, I experienced myself going deeper, further and faster, with more clarity, in three days than I had in my life up to that point. This got my full attention and by Sunday I knew that A Course in Miracles was my path and that sharing the practical application of the course principles was my passion. I was on fire.
Within a few weeks, I quit my job and committed myself to bringing this work to as many people internationally as I could. So, I began a journey that included three major relationships, lots of profound and loving experiences, and I met thousands of people from all over the world, all of which, in my mind and heart, have become family.
Flash forward 30 years. I'm still delighted with my path and love my passion. I can't imagine doing or being anything else. I always felt driven to continue this work and, therein lies the rub.
Three months ago, I was involved in facilitating a workshop called The Edge with my longtime partner, Jane Tipping. We've given this workshop together about 20 times here in the Netherlands as well as in Canada. There’s a saying we like that says, “chop or drop, the universe will bring you to your knees.” Well, this workshop literally brought me to my knees.
Halfway through the workshop on Saturday night, I was on my knees setting up a computer for audio, when my left knee gave out. In tremendous pain, I couldn't get up off the floor. Luckily, there was an assistant nearby, who could physically lift me from the floor and place me on a stool in a small alcove off the main hallway of the building we were using. For the next two or three hours, I watched in silence as all the participants and several assistants walked by me, going about their business. I just sat there with a very sharp pain around my knee, exceptionally angry, very, very sad, and not just a little afraid. What kept going around in my head was “What if I can't do this anymore?”, “What am I, who am I, and what becomes of me if I can no longer do this work?”
Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I'm a mess, and I'm having trouble remaining present. I've never experienced this in a workshop that I was leading. It’s like I’m totally missing in action. Later that evening, I shared my experience with Jane. The next morning I'm sharing my experience with the entire room. I'm still feeling the effects of last night for most of the day.
Sometime in the afternoon, on a pause, one of the participants came up to me and said, “what if it's not that you can't do this anymore, what if it's that you don't have to?” That comment came in and landed immediately; it just made sense. I absolutely knew it was true. I felt as if I've been wearing a 60-kilogram backpack, that I didn’t even know I had on, and someone had just come along and cut the straps.
For years as a joke, I made the comment what I did for a living was the best addiction that I'd ever experienced, and I’d had a few. I see now that it wasn't a joke. I had attached my identity to what it was that I did for a living and that's not what I am. This didn't mean I had to stop what I was doing, it just meant that I could choose what I wanted to do and what I didn't want to do. I was finally free from the drive to just keep going.
Over the past few months, I've made several changes to what we do and how we do it. My own experience has relaxed both at home and at work. I find myself being far more productive and it feels like I've rekindled the original excitement I had when I first started this journey.
… and on we go … Cheers, Paul
