I Never Do Anything Right

When I wanted to apply for the ICU training in 2017, I had just taken a sabbatical for the entire following year - so no income, yet I was planning to do a course that would still cost money. “How am I going to pay for this?” was the thought that came up during a meditation, and the answer followed immediately: “Ask Paul and Jane if you can help them with their administration.”

I didn’t know them, I didn’t even know if they had any kind of administrative office, but I followed my intuition and emailed them with my question and the answer I had received. Paul’s response was immediate and enthusiastic: “Oh my God, Holy Spirit gave us a secretary!”

And so it happened. I started working for ICU, keeping track of the administration, managing workshop lists, maintaining contact with Borckerhof, and so on. In the meantime, I had signed up for the next Liberation weekend because the first one had been such an amazing experience. But this time it felt different - I now “worked” for these people, so it felt like it was MY responsibility to make sure everything ran smoothly.

It all started on Friday with chaos. No one was happy with the bedroom arrangements; everyone came to complain and wanted things changed. The number of dietary requirements hadn’t been communicated correctly, and everything went wrong, causing my stress level to skyrocket. I couldn’t relax, and the thoughts in my head kept hammering on about how badly I was doing and that it would never be okay again. Paul and Jane wouldn’t want to work with me anymore, and I would (as so often in my life) hear that what I do is never good enough.

In my childhood, as the youngest and the only girl in the family, what I said was never relevant, and what I did even less so. I wasn’t listened to, was laughed at or punished. Because of this, I became afraid in life to do anything at all or to make mistakes. This fear became reality when I was fired in front of the entire office at my first job at age 19 because I had indeed made a stupid mistake. Throughout my entire working life, this fear continued to affect me, and at times I even quit jobs because I was too afraid to answer the phone - especially when I worked for a director (the man who had fired me in such a terrible way).

Now this fear was allowed to heal. During that entire Liberation weekend, I learned that I was not the one organizing these weekends and workshops - that I was completely innocent and allowed to relax. The most beautiful moment came after the “angel walk” on Sunday afternoon, when Paul and Jane were waiting for me at the end of the line of angels, and Paul said to me:

“Wilma, you can make any and every mistake that you want, but we will still love you.”

Since then, a lot has changed, also in my job as a management secretary at a large healthcare organization. Even when the director walks in and asks me for something, I no longer panic - I simply do what is asked without breaking into a sweat. And if something does go “wrong,” I know that I am innocent, that it can be fixed, and that there is nothing wrong with me.

How wonderful.